A Heart for the Holidays
by TomiSama04
Summary: Oneshot. All Axel wants for Christmas is a heart. AkuRoku. Zemyx. Slash


**A Heart for the Holidays**

Tomi Sama

Pairings: AkuRoku, Zemyx

Warnings: Depression, Angst, Fluff

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

Request: The only thing I want for Christmas are reviews.

Author's note: I think this is a "stick it to the man" fic, because in psychology we've been talking about depression and my psych teacher's a Debbie Downer and he hates Christmas. I love Christmas, so here is my chance to spread Christmas joy. XP

---

I am a nobody. I do not have a heart. I was jealous of everyone who had one, not that I knew anyone who did besides Riku, and I only vaguely knew him. He looked like Xemnas, anyway, and his heart was covered in darkness. He was always depressed, so I doubt he was a good role model of what having a heart is like. One time I watched him while he was asleep, and he cried. He cried about Sora, begging the brunet to come back and save his heart.

I hoped the brunet wouldn't come back, because that would make my only friend leave.

"Axel, you're coming to the Christmas party tomorrow, right?" Marluxia asked. The group around the table looked at me. They usually look at me, but I think they notice that I feel empty all the time. They always include me in plans, and pretend they don't mind when I zone out about nothing. I never used to feel like this… I used to feel like I had a heart.

I didn't answer.

"Please, Axel. You don't need to bring any presents." Larxene stated.

Before the heartless came and I was in school (and had a heart. This is one of my few memories of when I did have one), I took psychology along with all the physical education classes. In psychology our teacher made us read this thing where this guy was so depressed, he couldn't even be bothered to kill himself. That's pretty low, I used to think. I never thought I could be that sad… I couldn't believe just a few years after high school I would feel like that.

I'd kill myself, but why bother?

I looked at the other member of the group, Roxas. I waited for him to say something to make me come. It was habitual. Marluxia would ask, Larxene would ask, Roxas would ask. I'd say yes. We'd all go to the party, and everyone would laugh and dance and get drunk. I would sit in the corner and stare. I didn't want to be there, but I didn't want to be alone either.

"He doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to." Roxas said, looking at me harshly. "Let him stay home and mope."

"Roxas!"

"No." Roxas looked angry, he slammed his coffee cup down and threw up his arms, "If he wants to sit in the corner and angst, let him. But you might as well stay home. Why do you even keep coming when we invite you? What's your problem?"

"Roxas! Stop it."

"So why are you even still here? Aren't you failing every mission? They're going to kick you out! Why don't you try to do something?"

I couldn't be bothered to defend myself. I held his gaze, completely impassive to his fiery eyes. I didn't feel anything when he yelled at me, I didn't feel anything when everyone started looking at us, and he blushed, embarrassed. I didn't answer when he wished I would just kill myself and get it over with. I just watched him as he told me he was tired of mourning for me. That he just wanted to move on.

It sounded like he was breaking up with me, but I couldn't find it in me to make a gay joke at him.

"Well, Axel?" He hissed. He'd lowered his voice, to get people to stop staring, but they still did. "What do you have to say to that?"

I shrugged. "Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay. I'll kill myself." I shrugged again. "No big deal, it's just a mess and I figured you wouldn't want to deal with the clean up."

Roxas turned a deep shade of red, obviously not wanting me to really do it, and he stood up, swearing in some language I didn't recognize, and left. Marluxia and Larxene hesitated. Should they leave me alone or follow Roxas? In the end, I bet they decided it was unbearable to be around me anymore and they left.

So there was nothing else left for me to do but to leave too.

It was snowing lightly. Everything was picturesque and beautiful. The thin layer of snow coated everything. Ice cycles hung from the roofs of every building. But I felt numb. I couldn't feel the cold, except for the dull aching where my heart should be. I stuffed my hand in my pockets and walked on. I could see the beauty, but couldn't do anything about it.

I wanted to lay down, right here. I'd probably die of hypothermia, and at least then I wouldn't have to actually kill myself. But I was walking now, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion…

…unless acted upon by an outside force.

I was in the snow before I realized what hit me and I laid there with no intention of getting up. It wasn't uncomfortable, and although my hair was getting wet, the coat I wore kept out the rest of the wetness. It might actually take a little while for me to die like this. Oh well. I could manage.

"Oops, sorry there, Axel." I was hoisted up from my deathbed, back to my feet, coming eye to eye with another member of the organization. The only one of us that even seemed to have a heart at all.

Demyx.

Zexion was beside him. Demyx grabbed his arm, but Zexion seemed impassive.

"Isn't it a lovely day?" Demyx asked, "Christmas is tomorrow and Santa's coming tonight. Everything is as perfect as possible." He looked up at Zexion.

Zexion smiled down at him.

And for the first time in months, I felt something in my chest. I felt like a fire, and I felt my face screw up at the thought. I thought I was having a heart attack, and when I clenched my chest, surprised, Demyx laughed at me.

"I remember when I wished I had a heart. I spent years wishing I had one… I just wanted to feel. I knew I loved music from my past life, but even my past life's greatest joy brought me nothing.

"And then I met Zexion."

"I think we've all got hearts." I've never heard Zexion talk this much at once. "I mean, blood circulates through our bodies, it has to… or we wouldn't be alive. We have to have hearts…

"And then I met Demyx."

They smiled at each other again, and I leaned over. There was something about the couple that made me feel… we've all got hearts… I have a heart… and Roxas…

"So, did you always love each other?"

"No." Demyx answered honestly. "Unlike Zexion, I had no heart and I fought the feeling and common logic that I did have one. Because a heart isn't just the thing that pumps blood, there's a spiritual heart, and I didn't have that. I knew I didn't have that and I knew I couldn't feel. It was just one day, I think, around Christmas time, when we found ourselves at a party…"

"…under the mistletoe…"

"… and I noticed how… his eyes matched his hair perfectly. I never knew that they matched, before. I still don't know if they match in shade, or if they just complement each other, but something about them are perfect. I never realized how he was just the perfect size to me, so when we kissed it looked as cute as it felt. I never felt so happy, so… ready to explode. My chest was on fire and I knew I loved him, then.

"That was when I really knew I had a heart, even if I was a nobody. And you have a heart, too!"

They left, and I felt so awkward. I felt like I was hit by a train. I _felt_.

And with my newfound feeling, I ran back home.

---

"Roxas, you shouldn't have said those things to Axel." Naminé said.

Marluxia and Larxene were dancing, one would guess they were boyfriend and girlfriend, but they weren't. Both of them would say they weren't loudly, but Roxas, who was dancing with Naminé next to them, was nearly positive they shared the same bed.

"I haven't heard that he killed himself. So I'm sure he's fine."

"Axel! I'm so very happy that you're here!"

Demyx smiled at me, and I smiled back. When he hugged me, I felt… I felt happy. This was a friend. Friends cared about each other, and I couldn't help it. Zexion smiled at me, and touched my head. I never knew the two of them were so touchy, but I felt Demyx's kiss burn on my cheek. If anything, I felt even more.

My friends cared about me.

"Where's Roxas?" I asked, as Demyx moved back and Zexion put his arm around him. They pointed me in his direction and I saw him for the first time, it felt.

His eyes were the most amazing shade of blue. I always knew they were _blue _but this was more of a sapphire, I think. It was funny how now that I felt, eye color changed from color to stones. My eyes weren't green, they were emerald. Roxas's eyes were sapphire and I thought it was funny how I just now noticed his eyes. They were an amazing shade…

He started walking toward me, but Naminé held him back, looking up, I didn't mind and walked to him.

"Merry Christmas, Roxas." I held out my hand, a small box with blue wrapping paper was on it. He took it, but looked at me, opening his mouth to say something. I shrugged, smiling still, "Just open it."

He didn't wait, and for every perfect fold I made, to make the box as perfect as I felt when I wrapped it, he ripped it to shreds. The paper fell on the ground and he opened the box.

I don't think I'd ever seen Roxas look as sad as when he looked into my box. For a moment, I felt devastated, until he took the gift out of the box and let the empty box fall. He held it in his hands and looked up at me, tears in his eyes, but not falling. They were happy tears, not sad ones.

"Axel…"

"It's my heart…" I blushed, realizing for the first time how corny it sounded, when it sounded so cool in my mind as I wrapped it. "And… and you can have it, if you want it…"

I never felt a win before. Sure I've won things, but I felt nothing when I did. But seeing the look on Naminé's face when Roxas opened his hands, gaping at the small, red heart with "AkuRoku" carved into it was priceless. I felt both as though I've won, and I've lost. She glared at me, angry as could be, but I knew she was angry because I had won.

And I'd won the sweetest prize ever.

Roxas looked up at me, desperate for something to say so I helped him. All I had to do was point up, and he took the hint. Under the mistletoe, with my heart in his hand, he threw his arms around my neck in a hug. However, I leaned down and kissed him like I meant it. At first he didn't respond, but when he kissed me back it was the best thing I could have hoped for.

"Merry Christmas, Roxas."

"Now I feel like a jerk. I didn't get you anything." He gripped his hand around my heart tighter.

"How about you just keep kissing me, and I'll tell you when we're even…" I smirked.

He gave me a dirty look, but kissed me again. And for the first time, I felt like I had a heart.


End file.
